JUST A MOMENT.

The air was a lot heavier for a while.

Dense.

Thick.

Binding.

It’s interesting because as things start to fall into place naturally we begin to breathe out. With relief and usually it’s a sigh we’ve been holding in a thousand moments longer than we realise.

What I forgot is that for things to fall into place. Something has to give or move or simply dissolve. But that’s unnerving and admittedly I’m still adjusting.  It’s been 7 months now that it’s just Sans and I, in our little 1 bedroom flat. It’s also our first summer just us two. It’s been incredibly rewarding and also incredibly tough.

Maybe I think to highly of myself but I want more and expect more of me. There is something that I only touch upon because the hippie in me feels like giving it energy allows it to gain momentum. Yet ignoring how I feel about it hasn’t helped much either. So now after some much needed calm I can say being poor is stressful.

Nearly half of all single parent families live in relative poverty. We’re twice as likely than our two parent households to experience this. Which makes sense as two incomes are better than one.

It’s such a paradox because this time a month ago Sanaa and I were in Panama, having the time of our lives. What I didn’t share was the phone call two weeks prior; where I tried to cancel our vacation with BA because I couldn’t afford to go. Luckily due to some incredibly generous people in our lives we made it and had an amazing time.

Yet in context choosing what bills are the most important or wondering if there’s any expenses unaccounted for is part and parcel with being a millennial. Being a millennial mum, it’s a whole different ball game.

I have already had a pity party so this isn’t that.

I’ve already laid down in a pool of shame because my bank balance has been unreflective of my abilities.

I’ve already given myself tuts under my breath and head shakes for not planning better.

I have already exhausted every possible avenue in my head of ways to provide for our family of two.

I have already given myself a stern talking to and said you chose to become a parent so suck it up and make it work.

I have already watched my daughter sleep and thought about the impact my choices may have on her.

I have already vowed that no matter what happens next summer this one will seam a world away.

Like I said I have already had a pity party so this isn’t that.

I’m currently looking for a job. I don’t care what it is, after 30 minutes learning on Google and Youtube I can do anything. The truth of my life is pressing upon me with great speed and force.

Not only do we need to be okay. We have to be. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but they didn’t factor in a mum on a mission.

Things within my career have began to flourish. I’m being given ample opportunities to write and speak about my experiences. It’s something I’m forever grateful for particularly as most girls where I’m from in my position, don’t have creative outlets or people cheering them on near and far.

I’ll never take for granted what sharing my life in this way has allowed me to do. But until it pays me rent money or something close, I have to look elsewhere for our safety net.

I do believe in myself enough to know it will happen and of course Sans is the BEST motivation. Also what successful person doesn’t have a few wild stories and hard times to grow from?

This is absolutely apart of my making. I know this too shall pass. This is another step in my journey, but I always go back to my essence. Honesty is the strongest pillar upon which I share my craft of writing with you all.

So my absence has been me regrouping and also hustling.

It’s been because there was a stuck feeling I was finding hard to shake.

For a moment in life.

The air was a lot heavier for a while.

Dense.

Thick.

Binding.

 

 

1 Comment

  1. August 2, 2018 / 6:59 pm

    I think you’re absolutely on point here…”what successful person doesn’t have a few wild stories and hard times to grow from?” Success comes in so many different forms…but I honestly believe that the truest success comes from having to swim against the waves of those hard times & those wild stories because once you’ve done that you can steer yourself back to shore with mindful agility & deeper experience. Best wishes to you & your beautiful little girl x

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