The “finding out” is quite simple you take a test and call the doctor to make an appointment. Unless, you are me. I took 3 home tests 2 of which were digital. I went to the GP I had her test me too its not a standard procedure, I just wanted to be sure. Then at my midwife booking in appointment I asked for another she even said to me do you not believe that you’re pregnant the answer was no absolutely not. Shocked would be a reduction of describing how I felt stunned maybe but even that just about summed it up. It was about April so I had known about a month and had no physical symptoms of pregnancy but boy oh boy did my mind feel like jelly. Just a barrel of mess coincidentally I also had the biggest assignment of the academic year upcoming which I had not even started.
The process of accepting that my whole 5 year plan would be completely thwarted was a daunting journey. A hard and gritty realisation, the years between leaving my childhood home and creating own my home had taught me many things. One of the many and possibly most crucial things I had learned was that I was a woman with a need for hope. My hope looked very unconventional, uncomfortable, my hope was based on a need to have things done in a time frame I had set, in a way I had judged as appropriate, my hope was incredibly tangible it was where both my security and independence lay. Even through all of my adventures and ‘living’ I had structured it so I could not disappoint myself and in turn loose my hope.
To digest that I may not finish my academic year due to what most saw as a blessing I was torn and guilt consumed me. As a couple my boyfriend and I had always agreed should we fall pregnant it would be a no-brainer that we would become parents. So you see I was not torn because I was considering a termination quite the contrary I was torn because I couldn’t shake the feeling of lost hope of disappointment within myself and yet at the same time a love for a child that I’d not met felt or seen. It was the first time in nearly 5 years that I did not know what the future held and I could not plan for anything because for once instead of me happening to life, life was happening to me.

Young girl soon you’re going to meet life and it will never stop teaching you. All those mistakes are lessons to be learned, they are anecdotes to share. You will travel the world and fall in love. Firstly you will learn to love yourself. You will realise you cant control everything but can control how you behave by being graceful, polite and genuine; you’ll go further than you ever thought you could. If you feel comfortable it’s probably the calm before the storm and it’s okay to be scared because in you fear breeds logic. Please remember how to open your heart to forgiveness when your mind feels vengeful. I say this because the makings of you are the times where the easy option might not be the right option. When the day comes where you and everything as you know it feel, look, sound and taste unfamiliar be careful but be continuous you’re on a journey. The strength to always be better is admirable it is also a force unto itself and while you’re on the way there remember the way you’ve already come. It’s astounding who you will be compared to who you’re petrified of becoming. Yes I know now this is very complex. But all in preparation for a little girl who will enhance your life, in order to do right by her you must do right by you too. When you hear of her arrival many emotions will arise and you will not recognise who you are. But she will revive who you have always been. You will give birth to the life in her and she will give birth to the mother in you.

I choose to start 23 honest!
29 days out of 30 I probably spend like this with my little miss. No make up in my robe, winging it at life motherhood girlfriendhood adulthood sisterhood daughterhood and friendshiphood. Questioning if I’m failing or thriving feeling vulnerable and superhuman (I added to the worlds population under 3 months ago). Hoping that maybe this year will be the year I figure life out, knowing that this year will be like every other I will learn all I need to irrespective of whether or not I want to. Recently I have understood myself in depth; there are certain experiences that require you to face and reflect on who you are, that require you to be BARE. The standards shift when you look in the mirror daily and see your character instead of your features and because of this and the fact that every part of you is exposed requires complete honesty. I see me truly now.